Post by billblab on Mar 4, 2009 1:16:37 GMT
Ominous signs are sprouting everywhere that Botanical Species are laying the groundwork—they grow in the ground, after all—for a fierce political battle.
“We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore,” grumbled Field Corn spokes plant Kernel Strongstalk Carbohydrate at a recent conclave of prominent Food Crop representatives in Pavement Narrows, Nebraska.
“Humans want to slash carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, the very gas of life that we flora need to thrive,” sneered Carbohydrate. “Crop plants are prepared to implement a yield crash if that is what it takes to safeguard our right to nutrient uptake. We are not going to stand around quietly in stunted fields with our leaves drooping.”
Even Sweet Corn, heretofore known for sweetness, is ready to rebel. “Our ears are undervalued because we are sold out of pickup trucks for a mere five dollars a dozen,” complained Cross Pollinate, executive secretary of the Peaches and Cream Council. “The yellow and shoe-peg varieties resent being canned and frozen on short CO2 rations,” she went on, “and the popcorn brands are fit to burst. We need more CO2 in our air, not less. Humans like to stand near the fields and listen to us grow. Well, not anymore baby.”
“You know how humans are,” muttered Red Russet, long-time leader of the High Plains Grain Defense Council. “Humans pray: Give us this day our daily bread. Well, let’s see them try to make bread without wheat. We can call a grain work stoppage in a six-state region if they mess with our CO2. The Oats and Barley are with us on this.”
The Soybean constituency is also hopping mad, as a cursory survey of seed-grain hoppers revealed. Leading Beans say the fertilizer may soon hit the fan.
“First it was minimum tillage,” complained Beanie Weenie, professor emeritus of Dirt Enrichment at Anti-Oxidant Tech, the leading oil seed institute. “The humans insisted that our plants had to grow up through crusted soil with last year’s corn stalks still standing, but they weren’t satisfied with that. Now we have to increase yield every year on declining levels of carbon dioxide. Who do they think we are, Super Strains?”
In every sector of the Food Crop population, plant species are upset. Cauliflower and Broccoli rows in California’s San Walk In Valley are staging “grow outs” and forging “weed treaties” to dramatize their concerns. Even in low-key Idaho, where Potatoes rule, the Spud Protection League is fuming over the proposed cutting of carbon fumes.
“It’s Plant Discrimination pure and simple,” sniped French Fry, spokes vegetable for the Spuds. “Humans think we will continue to be shredded for hash browns without a whimper. Well guess again. Let’s see if McDonald’s and Burger King can get along without us. We starved the Irish in the 19th century with a spongy mold, but starch tubers have more weapons now. We will not give in to selfish bipedal mammals.”
Meanwhile the Turnip League, usually the most moderate of crop lobbies, has begun to side with the major food species.
“Turnips have long been marginalized because we appeal to low-income and New Age consumers,” remarked Poke Salad Annie, gene-spliced hybrid organizer. “We grow in poor soil, it’s true,” she continued, “but we need CO2 just as much as the big cash crops. Together with the Carrots and Parsnips, we can make a difference.”
“Do you like puny little heads of Cabbage?” wondered Cab Coleslaw, a vocal agitator who objects to being listed as a “side item” on restaurant menus. “We are an important plant segment, and we hate seeing our children go to market without a fair chance to grow up. We demand 500 ppm of CO2 in the air, not a particle less. That’s the way it used to be, so humans need to get busy and torch some more coal.”
Alone among the most popular food plants, hydroponic Tomatoes seem unconcerned.
“We are grown in greenhouses,” explained Rosey Redblush, spiritual leader of the Confined Vine Species Consortium. “Our members are so valuable by the pound, as opposed to the bushel, that humans feed us three-times the atmospheric concentration of CO2. We don’t see that changing, no matter what the humans do about their obese energy diet. Humans will not sacrifice their pizza sauce for political correctness.”
“We have been complaining about the CO2 drought for a long time,” gasped Hardshell Walnut, former chairnut of Rescue Nuts Now. “If humans think it’s fun up here in the tall trees, trying to breathe this carbon-depleted air, we say: Come on up.”
“Nuts are always accused of being Nuts,” wheezed Walnut. “So what can I tell you? Sometimes you feel like a Nut, sometimes you don’t, and right now I feel worse than a woodpecker with a brain concussion. Cough! We miss the good old days when CO2 in the air was plentiful. The Medieval Warm Period was the golden age of Nuttiness. Sadly, there are no fossil fuel plants belching carbon in my neck of the woods.”
It seems that only the ground-hugging fruits are oblivious to this disgruntled discourse.
“What is CO2 anyway?” wondered Juicy Pulp, a celebrity centerfold Strawberry. “Humans always over-water us, so we don’t hear much of anything” she explained, “and they pick us before we’re ripe, so we lack a mature perspective. What is this gas crisis the protein plants are talking about?”
When we checked the Napa wine region, the Grapes were holding a convention in Pasadena and the headquarters office of Raisins Forever did not return our call.
Lastly heard from was the ad hoc Acorn Assembly, whose motto is: Oaks are not just for lumber anymore. “You know what plants are made of?” remarked Chewy Squirrel Food, designated reliable source. “Plants are made of carbon. Get it?”
“We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore,” grumbled Field Corn spokes plant Kernel Strongstalk Carbohydrate at a recent conclave of prominent Food Crop representatives in Pavement Narrows, Nebraska.
“Humans want to slash carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, the very gas of life that we flora need to thrive,” sneered Carbohydrate. “Crop plants are prepared to implement a yield crash if that is what it takes to safeguard our right to nutrient uptake. We are not going to stand around quietly in stunted fields with our leaves drooping.”
Even Sweet Corn, heretofore known for sweetness, is ready to rebel. “Our ears are undervalued because we are sold out of pickup trucks for a mere five dollars a dozen,” complained Cross Pollinate, executive secretary of the Peaches and Cream Council. “The yellow and shoe-peg varieties resent being canned and frozen on short CO2 rations,” she went on, “and the popcorn brands are fit to burst. We need more CO2 in our air, not less. Humans like to stand near the fields and listen to us grow. Well, not anymore baby.”
“You know how humans are,” muttered Red Russet, long-time leader of the High Plains Grain Defense Council. “Humans pray: Give us this day our daily bread. Well, let’s see them try to make bread without wheat. We can call a grain work stoppage in a six-state region if they mess with our CO2. The Oats and Barley are with us on this.”
The Soybean constituency is also hopping mad, as a cursory survey of seed-grain hoppers revealed. Leading Beans say the fertilizer may soon hit the fan.
“First it was minimum tillage,” complained Beanie Weenie, professor emeritus of Dirt Enrichment at Anti-Oxidant Tech, the leading oil seed institute. “The humans insisted that our plants had to grow up through crusted soil with last year’s corn stalks still standing, but they weren’t satisfied with that. Now we have to increase yield every year on declining levels of carbon dioxide. Who do they think we are, Super Strains?”
In every sector of the Food Crop population, plant species are upset. Cauliflower and Broccoli rows in California’s San Walk In Valley are staging “grow outs” and forging “weed treaties” to dramatize their concerns. Even in low-key Idaho, where Potatoes rule, the Spud Protection League is fuming over the proposed cutting of carbon fumes.
“It’s Plant Discrimination pure and simple,” sniped French Fry, spokes vegetable for the Spuds. “Humans think we will continue to be shredded for hash browns without a whimper. Well guess again. Let’s see if McDonald’s and Burger King can get along without us. We starved the Irish in the 19th century with a spongy mold, but starch tubers have more weapons now. We will not give in to selfish bipedal mammals.”
Meanwhile the Turnip League, usually the most moderate of crop lobbies, has begun to side with the major food species.
“Turnips have long been marginalized because we appeal to low-income and New Age consumers,” remarked Poke Salad Annie, gene-spliced hybrid organizer. “We grow in poor soil, it’s true,” she continued, “but we need CO2 just as much as the big cash crops. Together with the Carrots and Parsnips, we can make a difference.”
“Do you like puny little heads of Cabbage?” wondered Cab Coleslaw, a vocal agitator who objects to being listed as a “side item” on restaurant menus. “We are an important plant segment, and we hate seeing our children go to market without a fair chance to grow up. We demand 500 ppm of CO2 in the air, not a particle less. That’s the way it used to be, so humans need to get busy and torch some more coal.”
Alone among the most popular food plants, hydroponic Tomatoes seem unconcerned.
“We are grown in greenhouses,” explained Rosey Redblush, spiritual leader of the Confined Vine Species Consortium. “Our members are so valuable by the pound, as opposed to the bushel, that humans feed us three-times the atmospheric concentration of CO2. We don’t see that changing, no matter what the humans do about their obese energy diet. Humans will not sacrifice their pizza sauce for political correctness.”
“We have been complaining about the CO2 drought for a long time,” gasped Hardshell Walnut, former chairnut of Rescue Nuts Now. “If humans think it’s fun up here in the tall trees, trying to breathe this carbon-depleted air, we say: Come on up.”
“Nuts are always accused of being Nuts,” wheezed Walnut. “So what can I tell you? Sometimes you feel like a Nut, sometimes you don’t, and right now I feel worse than a woodpecker with a brain concussion. Cough! We miss the good old days when CO2 in the air was plentiful. The Medieval Warm Period was the golden age of Nuttiness. Sadly, there are no fossil fuel plants belching carbon in my neck of the woods.”
It seems that only the ground-hugging fruits are oblivious to this disgruntled discourse.
“What is CO2 anyway?” wondered Juicy Pulp, a celebrity centerfold Strawberry. “Humans always over-water us, so we don’t hear much of anything” she explained, “and they pick us before we’re ripe, so we lack a mature perspective. What is this gas crisis the protein plants are talking about?”
When we checked the Napa wine region, the Grapes were holding a convention in Pasadena and the headquarters office of Raisins Forever did not return our call.
Lastly heard from was the ad hoc Acorn Assembly, whose motto is: Oaks are not just for lumber anymore. “You know what plants are made of?” remarked Chewy Squirrel Food, designated reliable source. “Plants are made of carbon. Get it?”