Post by Ratty on May 4, 2017 12:29:39 GMT
Wanted to share these (which I have been collecting for a while). I called them the classic collection' hope there is something to amuse you in them:
Something to offend the clergy:
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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest
then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while
later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly.
He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham
sandwich, doesn't it?"
Something to offend pet lovers:
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To the Householder:
Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water
in the bowl.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You
may need to stand on the lid.
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
"rinse".
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
outside where he will dry himself off.
Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, Doug The Dog
Something to offend foreigners:
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A Middle Eastern diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in
American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was
constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an
ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons,
O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the
well!"
Something to offend the elderly:
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men
asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological
techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I
haven't had a problem since."
"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that
flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Something to offend women:
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Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men
were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then
observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without
making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No
further testing is planned.
Something to offend New Zealanders:
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A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did
not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask
his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some idiot out there
who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying
this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager
called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble
earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of
it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you
from, son?"
The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".
"You're joking! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just sleepers and rugby players over there."
"My wife is from New Zealand!!" shouted the manager.
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
Something to offend journalists (Is that possible?):
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This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview
between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting!!! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent
killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended; wish I could think that
quickly!
Something to offend lawyers and make others grin:
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Once upon a time the fence between heaven and hell broke down.
St. Peter appeared at the broken section and called out to the devil:
"Hey, Satan, since all the engineers are over in your place, how about
getting them to fix this fence?"
"Sorry," replied Satan. "My men are all too busy to go about fixing measly
fences."
"Well, then," replied St. Peter, "I'll have to sue you if you don't."
"Oh, yeah?" countered the devil, "And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Something to offend religious people:
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A robber breaks into the house at night so it is dark!! (unless you are at
the North Pole)
As he flashes his torch around, a voice from the darkness says "Jesus is
watching you".
The robber turns the torch in the direction of the sound and sees a parrot
in the cage.
The parrot repeats "Jesus is watching you"
The robber says - "Are you Jesus?"
The parrot says "No I am not, my name is Moses"
The robber says" what sort of people would name their parrot Moses?".
And the parrot replies" the same sort of people who call their Rottweiler
Jesus!"
Something to offend the clergy:
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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks
in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are
copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head
monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in
the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but
you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one
of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has
seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a
sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning
over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong. "The word
should have been celebrate," says the old monk.
Something to offend the Irish:
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'", replied Mary.
Something to offend engineers:
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A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest
puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He
declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is
set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up
at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"
Something to offend accountants:
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Two accountants were out walking when one said to the other, "Where did you
get such a great bike?"
The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you
want.'"
The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Bad luck?
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An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns
recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and
eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a
giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of
sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols
blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got
chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
Chicken?
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A friend received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive. Those that weren't expletives were to say the least, rude. Mark
tried hard to change the birds attitude and was constantly saying polite
words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good
example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the
bird got more angry and rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mark
put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking, cursing and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
Mark was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mark's extended arm and
said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and
actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my
behaviour."
Mark was astonished at the birds change in attitude and was about to ask
what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask
what the chicken did?"
Hot Dog!
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Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and
one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat
dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and
begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment,
she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Cheap Noise
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A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he
notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and
has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"
The little girl says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire
truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a
nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks mister." says the little girl.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the
dog to the wagon by its genitals.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your
fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think
you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't
have a siren!'
Computer Support Prayer:
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So far today, God, I've done all right.
I've kept my mouth shut,
I haven't gossiped,
I haven't lost my temper,
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.
I'm really glad about that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed,
And from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen
Not your typical blonde joke:
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A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the
street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it
there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks
for 15 bucks?"
AFL Finals Tickets:
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A man had tickets for the AFL Grand Final. As he sits down, another man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the second man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest sporting event in
Australia and not use it?"
He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1977."
"Oh. .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Something to amuse genealogists:
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The Smith's were proud of their American family tradition. Their ancestors
had arrived in America on the Mayflower. Their family included Senators and
Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to
handle great-uncle George, who had been executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
When the book appeared, it said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of
applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to
his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
Something to amuse golfers:
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Generally, he was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner
says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the bloody ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies: "Forget it man, you
don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Progress?
--------
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about
10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several
yards behind their wives. This delighted Ms. Walters, who approached of the
women for an explanation.
"This is marvellous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land Mines."
Something to offend newlyweds:
--------------------------------
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what's
wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your
feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled
up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy
and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess .... Smallcox?"
Something to offend prudes:
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An eighteen year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to
know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair
and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters
the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the
girl, and tells them,"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $ 1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $ 2,000,000
bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $ 1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest that I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "you'll try again!"
Some tag lines:
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Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
Evil is not all bad.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
There's no such thing as non-existence.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into
question.
He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
I disagree with unanimity.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
Avoid Alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
One should never generalize.
Avoid clichés like the plague.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Profanity sucks.
I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Death to all fanatics!
An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. -- Sam Goldwyn
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. -VP Dan Quayle
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
Rehab is for quitters!
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my
life.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I
believe it.
Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words
than necessary.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who
can't.
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
Black holes are where God divided by zero
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays of now
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
No one is listening until you make a mistake
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach
To steal ideas from others is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
Two wrongs are only the beginning
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before
Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines
A fool and his money are soon partying
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques
Half the people you know are below average
May not offend anyone (but I can't guarantee that):
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1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
1,000,000 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
0.000001 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1,000,000,000,000 pins = 1 terrapin
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox
Some Useful Definitions:
----------------------------------
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accident all falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Something to offend the clergy:
-------------------------------
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest
then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while
later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly.
He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham
sandwich, doesn't it?"
Something to offend pet lovers:
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To the Householder:
Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water
in the bowl.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You
may need to stand on the lid.
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and
"rinse".
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
outside where he will dry himself off.
Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, Doug The Dog
Something to offend foreigners:
-------------------------------
A Middle Eastern diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined
and dined by the State Department. The diplomat was not used to the salt in
American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was
constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty handed. "Abdul, you son of an
ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat. "A thousand pardons,
O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "A man is sitting on the
well!"
Something to offend the elderly:
-------------------------------
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men
asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological
techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I
haven't had a problem since."
"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that
flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
Something to offend women:
-------------------------
Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men
were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then
observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without
making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No
further testing is planned.
Something to offend New Zealanders:
----------------------------------
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did
not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask
his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some idiot out there
who wants to buy only a half head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying
this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he
added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager
called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble
earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of
it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you
from, son?"
The boy replied, "New Zealand sir".
"You're joking! Why did you leave New Zealand?" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just sleepers and rugby players over there."
"My wife is from New Zealand!!" shouted the manager.
The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
Something to offend journalists (Is that possible?):
---------------------------------------------------
This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview
between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting!!! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly
supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching
them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent
killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute,
but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended; wish I could think that
quickly!
Something to offend lawyers and make others grin:
------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time the fence between heaven and hell broke down.
St. Peter appeared at the broken section and called out to the devil:
"Hey, Satan, since all the engineers are over in your place, how about
getting them to fix this fence?"
"Sorry," replied Satan. "My men are all too busy to go about fixing measly
fences."
"Well, then," replied St. Peter, "I'll have to sue you if you don't."
"Oh, yeah?" countered the devil, "And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Something to offend religious people:
------------------------------------
A robber breaks into the house at night so it is dark!! (unless you are at
the North Pole)
As he flashes his torch around, a voice from the darkness says "Jesus is
watching you".
The robber turns the torch in the direction of the sound and sees a parrot
in the cage.
The parrot repeats "Jesus is watching you"
The robber says - "Are you Jesus?"
The parrot says "No I am not, my name is Moses"
The robber says" what sort of people would name their parrot Moses?".
And the parrot replies" the same sort of people who call their Rottweiler
Jesus!"
Something to offend the clergy:
------------------------------
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks
in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are
copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head
monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in
the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but
you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one
of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has
seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a
sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning
over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong. "The word
should have been celebrate," says the old monk.
Something to offend the Irish:
-----------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'", replied Mary.
Something to offend engineers:
-----------------------------
A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest
puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He
declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is
set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up
at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"
Something to offend accountants:
-------------------------------
Two accountants were out walking when one said to the other, "Where did you
get such a great bike?"
The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you
want.'"
The second accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Bad luck?
--------
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns
recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and
eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a
giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of
sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"
"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols
blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got
chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
Chicken?
-------
A friend received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive. Those that weren't expletives were to say the least, rude. Mark
tried hard to change the birds attitude and was constantly saying polite
words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good
example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the
bird got more angry and rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Mark
put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking, cursing and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.
Mark was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mark's extended arm and
said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and
actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my
behaviour."
Mark was astonished at the birds change in attitude and was about to ask
what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask
what the chicken did?"
Hot Dog!
-------
Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and
one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat
dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and
begin to unwrap their "dogs."
One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment,
she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Cheap Noise
-----------
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he
notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and
has the wagon tied to a dog.
The fireman says, "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"
The little girl says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire
truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a
nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
"Thanks mister." says the little girl.
The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the
dog to the wagon by its genitals.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your
fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think
you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't
have a siren!'
Computer Support Prayer:
-----------------------
So far today, God, I've done all right.
I've kept my mouth shut,
I haven't gossiped,
I haven't lost my temper,
I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.
I'm really glad about that.
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed,
And from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen
Not your typical blonde joke:
----------------------------
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the
street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it
there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks
for 15 bucks?"
AFL Finals Tickets:
------------------
A man had tickets for the AFL Grand Final. As he sits down, another man
comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the second man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest sporting event in
Australia and not use it?"
He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't
been to together since we got married in 1977."
"Oh. .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
Something to amuse genealogists:
-------------------------------
The Smith's were proud of their American family tradition. Their ancestors
had arrived in America on the Mayflower. Their family included Senators and
Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to
handle great-uncle George, who had been executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
When the book appeared, it said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of
applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to
his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
Something to amuse golfers:
--------------------------
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Generally, he was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner
says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the bloody ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies: "Forget it man, you
don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Progress?
--------
Barbara Walters had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about
10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several
yards behind their wives. This delighted Ms. Walters, who approached of the
women for an explanation.
"This is marvellous," she said. "What enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of roles?"
The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land Mines."
Something to offend newlyweds:
--------------------------------
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what's
wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your
feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled
up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy
and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess .... Smallcox?"
Something to offend prudes:
----------------------------
An eighteen year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for
two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to
know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari
stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair
and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters
the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the
girl, and tells them,"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $ 1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $ 2,000,000
bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $ 1,000,000 each. However, if there is a
miscarriage, what do you suggest that I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "you'll try again!"
Some tag lines:
-------------
Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.
On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
Prejudiced people are all alike.
What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?
Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.
Evil is not all bad.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.
There's no such thing as non-existence.
Cooperation can only be reached if we work together.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into
question.
He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.
I disagree with unanimity.
I have my doubts about disbelief.
Avoid Alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
One should never generalize.
Avoid clichés like the plague.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Profanity sucks.
I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Death to all fanatics!
An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. -- Sam Goldwyn
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. -VP Dan Quayle
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
I always wanted to be a procrastinator!
Rehab is for quitters!
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my
life.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
Entropy just isn't what it used to be.
I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I
believe it.
Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words
than necessary.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who
can't.
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
Black holes are where God divided by zero
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays of now
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
No one is listening until you make a mistake
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach
To steal ideas from others is plagiarism; to steal from many is research
Two wrongs are only the beginning
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up
A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before
Change is inevitable ... except from vending machines
A fool and his money are soon partying
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques
Half the people you know are below average
May not offend anyone (but I can't guarantee that):
--------------------------------------------------
1,000,000,000,000 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
1,000,000 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
0.000001 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1,000,000,000,000 pins = 1 terrapin
1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox
Some Useful Definitions:
----------------------------------
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accident all falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.