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Post by Ratty on Aug 22, 2018 22:24:54 GMT
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. As he sat down, the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me; if I change a fuse, the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his widow."
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Post by Ratty on Aug 23, 2018 7:29:05 GMT
The light turned amber, just in front of a fella. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious, as she slammed on her brakes, and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, having missed her chance to get through the intersection.
While still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious Police Officer. The Officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. Hand-cuffing her, the Officer then drove her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed & placed in a "holding cell."
After a couple of hours, another Policeman approached her cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the Arresting Officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday-School" bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated "Christian Fish" emblem on the trunk, so naturally I assumed you had stolen the car!
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Post by Ratty on Aug 23, 2018 7:32:22 GMT
After a great catastrophe, when everybody on Earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long and, in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household !! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose !!
Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line ?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
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Post by Ratty on Aug 23, 2018 7:34:37 GMT
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his home town and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his home town. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted and the microphone amplified it throughout the room.
He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
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Post by Ratty on Aug 23, 2018 7:53:59 GMT
Beggars
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by.
He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross, while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. He feels sorry for him.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!”
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, “Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”
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Post by nautonnier on Aug 23, 2018 11:29:24 GMT
You will need to click on the picture twice to see the complete series of photos to understand.....
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Post by nautonnier on Aug 23, 2018 11:36:41 GMT
Watch this - the denouement is in the last seconds .... creeepy
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Post by icefisher on Aug 23, 2018 15:12:57 GMT
You will need to click on the picture twice to see the complete series of photos to understand..... LMAO! I surf fish a lot. Grandma sees it coming and nobody else does. I know the feeling! |
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Post by Ratty on Aug 24, 2018 8:10:32 GMT
You will need to click on the picture twice to see the complete series of photos to understand.....
Comment: "Where there's a will, there's a wave." |
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Post by Ratty on Aug 24, 2018 23:42:16 GMT
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Post by missouriboy on Aug 25, 2018 0:21:59 GMT
NOT.  |
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Post by blustnmtn on Aug 25, 2018 20:49:47 GMT
 I live on an island... Several days without rain so wife and I took a motorcycle ride east. |
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Post by missouriboy on Aug 25, 2018 22:37:28 GMT
I live on an island... Several days without rain so wife and I took a motorcycle ride east. Run into any of those pesky Russians? |
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Post by blustnmtn on Aug 25, 2018 22:59:59 GMT
I live on an island... Several days without rain so wife and I took a motorcycle ride east. Run into any of those pesky Russians? They collude almost exclusively in Brooklyn Mo’boy. I am allergic to Brooklyn. |
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Post by Ratty on Aug 25, 2018 23:38:21 GMT
I live on an island... Several days without rain so wife and I took a motorcycle ride east. East? Spain or Portugal? PS: I want to see a picture of your bike. |
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