|
|
Post by Ratty on Apr 2, 2020 4:58:23 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by Ratty on Apr 3, 2020 12:03:34 GMT
In a small American town a family of squirrels had become quite a problem The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the Baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the Baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide an do unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do,
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
How does your local church handle squirrels?
|
|
|
|
Post by missouriboy on Apr 3, 2020 16:07:16 GMT
In a small American town a family of squirrels had become quite a problem The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the Baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the Baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide an do unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide
The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do,
But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.How does your local church handle squirrels? I wouldn't try that last trick with Missouri squirrels. They is armed.  |
|
|
|
Post by missouriboy on Apr 3, 2020 20:32:19 GMT
Racist!  |
|
|
|
Post by nonentropic on Apr 3, 2020 21:03:09 GMT
When a child we spoke of "Jap Crap". boy that didn't last.
I have a lot of sympathy with Trumps call out on the Chinese almost certain coverup of the data. Its cost the world a lot of time and lives. the vast majority of the deaths will be consequent from induced poverty.
|
|
|
|
Post by Ratty on Apr 3, 2020 23:49:44 GMT
[ Snip ] I wouldn't try that last trick with Missouri squirrels. They is armed. To the teeth? Oops, sorry Acid. How's it going? |
|
|
|
Post by Ratty on Apr 4, 2020 3:37:49 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by nautonnier on Apr 4, 2020 23:37:52 GMT
Yes this is true
|
|
|
|
Post by missouriboy on Apr 4, 2020 23:56:44 GMT
I think I'ii ask the young computer genius if he even knows what that is. Followup: He says yes ... but he can't program it. |
|
|
|
Post by sigurdur on Apr 5, 2020 1:40:00 GMT
😥😥
|
|
|
|
Post by Ratty on Apr 5, 2020 6:20:30 GMT
I could try to brush up. Are air fares, accommodation, refresher courses available? Not mission critical, is it? 
|
|
|
|
Post by Ratty on Apr 5, 2020 12:31:48 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by nautonnier on Apr 5, 2020 12:52:03 GMT
Discussion on COBOL reminded me of this - a prize for anyone that has used more than 5 of these... you can see the age of the list by the starting languages and lack of the dreadfully modern Java and it progeny
THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO THE LANGUAGES
____________________________________________________________
TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and
shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical
assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise
copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's
me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you
run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If
you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot
anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to
concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot
yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover you
can't because your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return
HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds
the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which
holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage
which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
appendage which holds...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the
foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't
permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large
systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only appear to have shot yourself in
the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't
care.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of
you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the
trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring
out how to do it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you
fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page
document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three
years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users
can, too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots
holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself
in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty
little bullet-thingies are for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to
discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger,
and your foot.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish
anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
sh, csh, etc: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you
spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot
the computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and
windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away
your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
terminal.
ALGOL: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket
is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the
adolescent medic in the emergency room.
scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none
of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
DBase: You squeeze the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that
by the time your foot feels the pain you've forgotten why you shot
yourself anyway.
DBase IV version 1.0: You pull the trigger, but it turns out that the
gun was a poorly-designed grenade and the whole building blows up.
CLIPPER: You grab a bullet, get ready to insert it in the gun so that
you can shoot yourself in the foot, and discover that the gun that
the bullet fits has not yet been built, but should be arriving in the
mail REAL SOON NOW
SQL: You cut your foot off, send it out to a service bureau and when
it returns, it has a hole in it, but will no longer fit the
attachment at the end of your leg.
Prolog (2): You attempt to shoot yourself in the foot, but the
bullet, failing to find its mark, backtracks into the gun which
then explodes in your face.
SNOBOL (2): You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your
hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then
changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
Assembler (2): You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The
system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a
moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the
foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone
in sight.
Ada (2): If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the
United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in
front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
APL (2): You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you
don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell
happened.
Assembler (3): For those who like to load their own rounds before
shooting themselves in the foot.
English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
|
|
|
|
Post by Ratty on Apr 5, 2020 13:25:08 GMT
Here is my response to the Clipper section:  |
|
|
|
Post by nautonnier on Apr 5, 2020 13:33:43 GMT
|
|
